getting Performance Anxiety and feeling Pathetic because my stupid dick won't get hard

on vasodilation, detumescence, and taking your time

Earlier this week, I went home with a girl from the bar, got naked in bed, and then for the life of me could not get it up.

It sucked because I really liked her too! She was a Bio major. I thought that was hot, and I told her so.

“You’re into evolution? That’s hot.” I said.

“I’ve… never gotten that before.” She replied.

We were chatting at the bar. She was a college senior taking an extra semester. Small and pretty and blonde and from Chicago. Former cheerleader, a ‘flyer’ — one of the girls they throw into the air. She wanted to be a medical communications liaison, the translational link between laboratory research and clinical practice. I told her about my neurology research and my (former) job as an MCAT teacher.

She liked neuroscience, too. We got into the weeds.

Honestly, I didn’t think she was that into me — she kept the RBF on the whole time.¹ But then, when her friends left for another bar, she asked if I wanted to come. And I knew I was in.

Except I wasn’t in, because penetration requires erection and that shit was not working.

In my defense, I was high. Back at her place, we smoked a joint, which always makes me anxious. But I thought, this time will be different! Nope. Still tweaking, still stuck in my head. Still soft.

Actually, that’s just an excuse. I’ve gotten Performance Anxiety many times dead sober — with my high school girlfriend, my college ex, and random hookups here and there. No, this isn’t a substance issue. It’s deep rooted, psychological.

I tried everything to save the night: emptying my mind, focusing on physical sensations, taking a break and coming back. But nothing worked. A couple times I briefly got hard but lost it when I tried to put it in. And as the morning sun peeked through the blinds, I finally slumped back in bed, defeated.

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Here’s how an erection works:

You’re turned on and relaxed. A parasympathetic nervous signal from the base of the spine triggers the relaxation of smooth muscle within the spongy flesh of the shaft. The muscle expands, opening up space for blood. Arteries dilate to promote blood flow and veins constrict to keep it in. Bro gets bricked up.

After orgasm, detumescence (loss of erection) occurs. Enzymes break down the chemical signals that initiated erection, and Dr. Johnson returns to his natural, flaccid state. Medications like Viagra and Cialis inhibit this breakdown process, preventing erection loss. But I don’t use these drugs or carry them on me.

So when I got anxious, my fight or flight reflex activated and sympathetic neurotransmitters caused my smooth spongey dick muscle to contract. The spaces closed and blood could no longer flow in.

And that’s why, despite my best efforts, I simply couldn’t get it up.

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“Sorry,” I told Bio girlie. “This happens sometimes. Smoking was a huge mistake.”

I braced myself for the chill of disappointment. I pictured her telling her friends: no he couldn’t get hard! isn’t that pathetic? But that didn’t happen. Instead, she was super sweet about it:

“No, it’s cool! There’s no pressure at all. I still had a good time.”

And by some heavenly miracle she agreed to see me again. So last night, she came over, and this time I resolved to take it slow. We eased into conversation, sipping white wine while wrapped up in each others’s arms.

We got in bed and I was worried it would happen again. I felt my stomach drop and was hyperaware of the softie in my pants. But then we started kissing and touching and I focused on letting the moment linger, exploring her body, and giving pleasure instead of receiving.

And when the time came, my body knew exactly what it was supposed to do.

1. which she told me later she does to dissuade men from approaching