the cycle of broken hearts

from the archives 05.20.24

My girlfriend in high school didn’t cheat on me. But she wanted to. She tried.

A year into our relationship, she asked for an open relationship — and I wasn’t stupid. I knew what that meant: she wanted to date other people. She wanted to explore. She'd found some guy out one night and was ready to sacrifice everything we had for the chance to fuck him.

I was devastated. She'd just confirmed all my worst insecurities. I was too small and skinny, too boring, too passive. I was simply not good enough for her.

So when she came back two weeks later, regretful and apologetic, begging to return to the way it was, I refused. I was so resentful. I wanted to punish her for the way she'd hurt me. It was my only way to reassert control in a situation where I felt entirely powerless. And maybe the muscle memory of that powerlessness is why almost a decade later, in my deepest moments of intimacy, I still hold back. Part of me feels like if I don't love someone fully, then I can't be hurt. So I push people away. I don't get too attached. I hurt the women I date to protect myself from being hurt.

I broke a girl's heart last night.

I told her I wanted to date other people. That I wanted to explore. She called me a player and a man-whore and said she regretted ever meeting me. I made her feel like she wasn't good enough. Like she wasn’t hot or exciting or submissive enough. Against the goddess I've built in my mind, she never stood a chance.

But she was cute and she was funny; she was soft and comfortable and she made me happy. We sang and danced and spent hours in each other's arms. She brushed off the other men and chose me every time. She loved and accepted me exactly for who I was. So why couldn't I accept her for who she was?

There's a theory that we hurt others because we've been hurt. A child belittles another at school because he's been subject to the same behavior at home. If that's the case, we break hearts because our hearts have been broken. And it's true, I've had my heart shattered.

So maybe this girl whose heart I've just broken will do the same with the next guy she finds. Maybe she'll withhold her attachment, never fully commit, keep one eye on the door, knowing that with love, with trust, and vulnerability comes the potential for great hurt. Or maybe she'll be stronger than me, choose love and openness over the fear of pain, and end the cycle of broken hearts once and for all.

Maybe I have the same choice.