coming out of the closet in a substack post

surprise surprise

The first (and only) time I’ve ever been fucked by a dude was in the summer of 2019.

I was living in Los Angeles. I was pursuing a music internship that turned out to be a scam. Me and 10 other hopeful college kids had moved out there only to find out that the ‘studio sessions’ we were supposed to run were nonexistent. We never got work, we never got paid, Fuck you Rob. In hindsight it was obvious — you’re not supposed to pay for training.

Anyways, the internship was supposed to be in Hollywood, and I found an apartment in nearby West Hollywood, not realizing it was basically the Gay Mecca of LA. The place was literally crawling with gay guys. I was baffled (hi priya). I’d never seen anything like it. And they’d never seen anything like me — 20 yo, East Asian, naive as hell and hot as shit. Immediately, I got swarmed.

Dudes were all over me. Buying me drinks, buying me jewelry, making ‘jokes’ about leaving their husbands for me, inviting me out, inviting me over, dropping their pants unsolicited, I had my ass grabbed once, one guy tried to stuff his hands down my pants. I thought this must be what it’s like to be a Hot Girl.

But the dude who fucked me was super cool, super chill. He was 35, ran his own clothing store, funny, friendly, almost straight passing.

I was reading my book up on the roof and he asked me what I was reading (either Dante’s Divine Comedy or Thinking Fast and Slow). And over the next few months we got friendly, and slowly eased into a physical relationship. Once, when he was leaving my apartment, he lingered by the door and said, “I kinda want to kiss you right now.” I shook my head and he left.

We fucked a month later. He ate my ass for like an hour first. It’s an exquisite sensation that fellas, if you haven’t had ur ass ate, u are missing out on the finer things in life. Ask ur girl to do it for u. Most girls will. But anyway I let him fuck me and you know what? It felt good. I liked it. We did it again another time, and I was drunk, and I sucked him off too.

But I’ve never done those with anyone again, I think because I’m incredibly homophobic.

I mean, I grew up as a figure skater. I’ve had kids call me gay my whole life. Of course I’m homophobic. I also grew up without a dad, had no male role models growing up, so I’m obsessed with masculinity. I had female teachers, female coaches, female friends from skating, and a mom and a sister, and so I’ve always been somewhat feminine. And, like I said, homophobic.

I hate it when people think I’m gay. I feel like it’s a weakness. Like shit, you’re not strong enough to just Fuck Women, you’re passive and deviant and psychologically deformed. I don’t like when dudes look at my ass. I’m standoffish with gay guys whom I suspect are into me. I wish I were just normal and straight.

But during the pandemic, when I was schizophrenic and ugly from surgery and getting absolutely no pussy whatsoever… I downloaded Grindr. If you’re not aware, Grindr is the gay equivalent of Tinder and 1000x more promiscuous. You can hit up a complete stranger and have him suck you off less than 10 minutes later. So I had a shit ton of strangers come over and suck me off.

I’d have them come over, eat my ass, suck me off, then leave. I’ve had maybe 20 or 30 guys do this. I never kissed them, I thought that was gross. I never let them fuck me. One or two of them fingered me. I tried fucking one but he shit all over my dick (thank god for condoms) and it smelled so fucking rancid, like I imagine a GI bleed smells, and I nearly threw up on the spot and I’ve never tried to fuck a dude again. Actually traumatic.

So yeah. After that, I stopped experimenting with dudes and went back to fucking a ton of women. That said, I still get homoerotic fantasies, I often picture myself getting fucked by a dude and also fucking a girl at the same time. I watch gay porn sometimes. I watch a lot of transexual porn, it’s more palatable to me. I don’t really watch much porn at all to be honest, but when I do it’s often these genres. I like transexual AI porn where the chick has a fat, fat cock.

Why am I saying all this? If you’ve been following the Substack Drama, you know I’m Extremely Hated on substack right now. So I just want you to know:

If you hate me, you’re small minded, you’re a bigot, you’re homophobic. Get fucked.

i activate… the gay card